I Am Very Okay With Who I Am

Hello all! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written on here, but I’m glad to be back.

A lot has happened recently. I’ve travelled to three states in the past three weeks, went to an audition, got the role of Gertrude McFuzz in Seussical at Dare to Defy Productions in Dayton, Ohio, saw many great friends and have a wedding this weekend. Needless to say life has been very busy!

While I’ve been preparing for the not too distant future, I’ve been struggling with how I view myself as an artist. I have an irrational fear of failure and that leads to a fear of success. I actually fear succeeding because I fear being prideful or losing sight of the bigger picture. And as a Christian, I sometimes think I have to sacrifice my art for my faith or vice versa. So I tend to accept the bare minimum when it comes to my art and future. But as Christian, I am called to walk in love and do all I do to the best of my ability. And to do this, it means I must walk in boldness and live without fear. The Lord has clearly given me a passion for art, so how do I serve Him and seek him without serving my art?

The answer is still hard to find. I feel as if I’m constantly battling this. I worship Christ through my art by giving my talents back to the one who gave them to me. But what do you when the form of worship you choose because the thing you worship? Again, I do not have an answer. But I do know one thing: I know the Lord and He lives in me. Therefore I know the truth. And I know His love, grace, mercy, redemption and His word. His word tells us to love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind. To love others like He would; unconditionally. To share His truth with all people. To make disciples and be discipled. And to do everything I do in excellence and to the glory of the one who saved my soul.

I am choosing to seek excellence in the arts and in the calling the Lord has placed in my heart. I am looking for opportunities and opening my mind to learning new skills and continue training the ones I possess. I am excited for the future and the opportunities I have been blessed with.

I feel that I will always have this battle of worship in art and Christ. And I don’t have an answer on how to fix it. But I know as long as I listen for His calling and seek His truth, I will be doing what He has called me to.

I was driving last night to a friends house, and I was listening to one of my favorite albums. (Joy, Departed by Sorority Noise) As I drove I looked up at the stars and just laughed. It’s funny, but every time I drive and listen to music I think of how badly I want my life to be like a coming-of-age indie film. And as I thought of this and how weird I am, I just giggled and spoke out loud to myself, “You know what? I’m very okay with who I am.” Β Anyone who knows me personally, knows that two years ago I would not have been able to say that. And I’m really happy that I can now and that I mean it.

22 days until I tackle a role I’ve always wanted to play and a story I feel needs to be told. I am ready to put in the work. I am ready to be an artist and what that entails. Β I am striving to do this role with excellence, and use this as another opportunity to worship the Lord with the talents and passion he’s given me. And as I am preparing for this role and thinking of the characteristics I love about Gertrude, I’m finding so many elements of myself in her. One of the things I journaled today was this: “She goes through a crazy journey in this show and by the end of it, she becomes very okay with who she is.”

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m playing her at this time in my life. And I hope it’s not the last. I am very okay with the person I am and the place I’m at in life. And I’m happy that I am very okay with the thought of being successful and being an artist. And I’m very okay with being a Christian and an artist. And I hope you’re okay with who you are as well. I am blessed and full of joy to live life, and live it abundantly.

For life isn’t pretty, but it sure is beautiful.

Thank you for reading!

Here’s to the next adventure and many more!