Before I say anything else; GOD IS SO GOOD. And all glory goes to Him.
For anyone who reads my blog, you know I have not stayed consistent with my recent project; #52WeeksOfHappy. There’s a reason for that. I hope to explain in this post why these last few months have been some of the hardest times I have faced, but also how they have resulted in the greatest lessons I have learned, thus far. And after this will try to continue to blog about the joy and happiness of life. FAIR WARNING: This post will be a bit long and pretty personal, but it ends on a good note. I would be honored if you read all of it and if not, it’s all good.
Six months ago I never would have imagined I would have been where I am. And at that time I had a very particular idea of what direction life was heading in. I knew the people I wanted to be with, knew what I was working for and knew what success and happiness looked like; all those plans I had clearly imagined in my head. I was healthy, I was happy, and was so excited that everything was finally working out. But little did Kim know…
Long story short, pretty much the opposite of what I had expected, is what happened. Things fell apart, things were taken away, I lost my motivation for everything, I had absolutely no joy, or feeling whatsoever, and without going into detail, I quickly sank into one of the lowest depressions and darkest places I have ever been in. I was numb. I was completely broken and was at a place that no Christian should be: I felt hopeless. And had accepted the lie that I was not meant to be loved and would never experience it or what true happiness was. And what was worst of all, despite my pointing fingers and anger towards everyone that, “did me wrong,” including God, I knew what I supposed to do, but I was too stubborn to do it. So, I wallowed in my depression and made sure everyone who hurt me knew they did and why, so they would never hurt anyone else. (Which is a terribly stupid thing to do when you’re incredibly emotional, like I was.) And after doing all that; what I felt was my right to say and do, I was still alone and had made situations worse. It even resulted in me feeling like I lost some of my closest friends. All because I couldn’t accept life for what it was and move on.
One thing that has always been a struggle for me is that I constantly make the same mistakes and get in a cycle of being on fire for God, getting hurt or something not working out, and then I repent and try to be a good Christian again. And I never understood why everyone else was learning huge things and growing in the Lord, while I was still trying to stay consistent. So, when this low point in my life happened, I was so exhausted and was pretty much done trying. But, hallelujah and praise God that despite our falling away and stubbornness, He is beyond merciful, constantly pursuing us and desires a relationship with us.
Yes, you guessed it, this story does have a happy ending. When hard times come, I have this terrible habit of getting stubborn and prideful. And instead of running to God, I tend to run away from him, which never ends well. I finally got to a point where I truly had nothing left. And by nothing, I mean emotionally and spiritually. I had no energy to try to do things on my own anymore. Basically, I had a moment where, in the midst of my tears and self-pity, I cried out to my Savior and said I was done trying to do life on my own anymore and that I was all in. From now on, its me and Jesus. Forever and always. And I can’t pin-point exactly when it happened, but all I can say is, GOD IS SO GOOD. I am so full of His presence and have so much joy in Who and What He is, and I honestly cannot contain it! It wasn’t me that changed, but my whole perception of what I should be striving for did. I don’t try to be good or right anymore, I simply seek and desire to be closer to Him everyday. And being with Him is the best feeling and place I have ever been in.
This sounds like a salvation story, it also sounds like a, ‘full surrender,’ story, but to me, it’s more of an awareness story. I have been a Christian and saved since I was thirteen, but through this hard season I had just became so aware of what being God’s servant is. We all experience God in different ways. For me, I had always put Jesus in a box, sometimes without even realizing it. And just like my life, I had a perfect idea of what a good, impactful Christian was. But friends, there is so much more to God than two hours of worship and discussion on Sunday and an occasional Bible study throughout the week. He is the God of the universe. He spoke the world into existence. SPOKE IT PEOPLE! And don’t even get me started on His love and mercy and grace and faithfulness. Because I could go on for hours. All I’m trying to say is, we serve an AWESOME and AMAZING God. And what changed for me and what I became aware of, is what I just explained. That God is AMAZING and ALL-POWERFUL and loves us more than we will ever begin to understand. But the difference was, I finally looked at it as a truth not a sentence. I experienced all the facts I had known forever as now the truth that my identity is based in. My identity and my worth is in Christ alone. And oh my goodness, that gets me so excited and joyful! If that doesn’t make you wanna scream or dance or worship, WHAT WILL?!
Through all of my struggles and heartbreak, I always told myself that God was allowing things to be taken from me to prove and show that He is the only constant thing in my life. And as I was reading my devotional this morning I realized something. God never allowed me to be hurt. He simply allowed me to exercise my free-will and put my faith and identity in the things and people I wanted. Which are of this world, therefore they are flawed and conditional. So, of course they will fail me and disappoint me. God never had to prove to me that He was constant, He always was and will be. But I was looking for constance and security in inconstant things. I was yelling at God asking why He took this and that away, when I should’ve been yelling at myself, asking why I based my faith and identity in things of this world. Not everyone just asks God to take something away and are delivered. Everyone has a different story and different encounters with Christ. And none are worth more or less to God than others. We are all His masterpieces. My story just happens to be that I never truly asked God to deliver me of my depression and what had held me down. And when I finally did, humbly and bodly before Him, He did. He filled my joy unexplainable. It will always be a struggle, because I still have a sinful flesh, but now I know it is able to be dealt with and conquered. PRAISE GOD.
I say all that to make this statement:
I know there were many people who knew I was going through a rough time, some more than others. And I knew you prayed for me, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I know there were people who prayed for me and had no idea what I was going through, so thank you. To my family, friends, and the people who only know me as a name on a prayer list, thank you. Prayer is a powerful thing. And I can honestly say that everyone of you, whoever you are, helped me overcome what I did, through the strength and mercy of Jesus Christ. There’s a reason we are a body of Christ and not individual parts. We all need prayer and we all need brothers and sisters in Christ. Because it makes a difference, I know it did in my life.
There’s a quote by Grace Thornton that states,”Jesus isn’t the wallpaper for life, but life itself.” I love that so much and find so much truth in it. God isn’t a decoration or a part that makes me look better anymore. He is all that I am and all I want or need. And I’m so stoked to see what comes next.
In closing, I have no idea what life hold for future Kim, or even present Kim. My dreams haven’t changed, but my perception of what my dreams are, has. All I know is, as long as I am seeking God and continue to be all-in, He will give me the desires of my heart; the true desires He has instilled in me. And as long as I’m with Him, I will never be disappointed.
HE IS SO GOOD.