“What happened to, “fun,” Kim?”
“Its weird that you’re wearing dresses now…”
“You’re not as edgy as you used to be.”
“YOU’RE PLAYING GERTRUDE MCFUZZ? That’s weird I see you as more of a Mayzie or Kangaroo…”
Hello everyone. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written on here. And as you can tell, this post is going to be brutally honest and quite vulnerable for me. This past year has been both wonderful and incredibly hard. I have grown in so many ways and struggled and fallen harder than I can express. For people who knew me years ago, you may not know the changes I have gone through to be who I am now. And for those who know me currently, you may forget I was a different person years ago. And for the girl going through these years of life with change and growth…its easy to feel lost and not exactly know who I am.
So, I am going to be brutally honest, like I said, and more vulnerable than I usually am. Some will know some things I am going to say, some will not. Either way I am saying them. I want everyone to see the same, raw Kim. And everyone to have the same knowledge of who I am and not a fantasy of what anyone thinks I am. And I will explain my reasons soon.
I am a human being. I am happy some days and sad others. I have struggled with countless things. I have struggled depression. I have struggled with anxiety. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was twelve years old. There have been two times where I began the act of attempting to end it. I won’t go into detail, but there was always a person that came in my room or called me, that made me stop. But I had all the intention. I have struggled with addiction. Addiction to depression. Addiction to substances. Addiction to physical pleasure. Addiction to success. Addiction to friendships. Addiction to self-harm. Addiction to art. Addiction to my music.
And I’ve always struggled with identity. I went through phases when it was based on the people I was around. The music I obsessed over. The poetry I read. The plays I read. And all of this came from one fact;
I had no idea who I was.
Many of you know my testimony and know that our gracious, heavenly Father has healed me of all of these struggles that I have faced. Almost two years ago now, I was able to be released of this burden that was completely weighing down my life and spirit. And in that time I have grown and changed a lot. Especially in the last year. And to be candid, some people were supportive and really happy for this. And some, after a few months, mocked it. And in the past year some, if you refer to my earlier quotes, thought the old me was more interesting. And to be blunt, its very hurtful to know people had a better time with the mentally unstable version of you rather than the stable, healthy version. They acted like they missed my dark and mysterious vibe. They made it seem as if they prefered my sad poetry to the poems about wildflowers. They enjoyed my crazy stories better than the current ones. Well, I’m glad she entertained you, but she was destroying me.
I’m not here to point fingers and I’m not here to blame anyone for anything. No one made me the way I was and no one did anything maliciously. Everyone was being exactly what I am and was; human.
I’m here to say, despite all of it…it is truly okay. Because I am okay. And for the first time in my life I know who I am.
And I am none of the things I mentioned.
I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by my present. I am not defined by opinions. I am not defined by my friends. I am not defined by my family. I am not defined by my success or failure as an actress, writer, singer, artist. I am not defined by art. I am not defined by my clothing. I am not defined by my hair style. I am not defined by my intellect. I am not defined by my financial status. I am not defined by passions. I’m not even defined by this blog.
The only true thing that defines me in this life is the fact I am a sinner saved by grace, through the mercy of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
This is my only identity. And the only absolute truth about my life.
This is Kim. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I am His and He is mine. And all that is within me will sing His praise and glorify His name. And all of my talents, passions and the ways I use them, are an offering to Him. A hallelujah that I am free to walk in joy and a thank you that nothing, but my love found in Him, is what defines me.
I know who I am. I am nothing I was and nothing I can attempt to create myself. I am His. His servant, His vessel and His daughter. And guys, this giving up of myself, everyday, is the most freeing act I have ever committed. It is not easy and takes discipline that I am still learning but it is worth it. And because of this realization and the growth I have been seeking, I have come to a slightly sad place.
I am saying goodbye to this blog.
I felt I should end this by knowing where I am going and truly knowing who I am. This blog and thoughts helped shape a lot of who I am. But I am ready to let go.
I will still be writing and sharing my art. But it will be through my new website which I will be launching in the next few months. I’m in a different place than when I started this and as much as I adore these words…I am no longer in the space thats in between insane and insecure. And I am no longer any of those things. As I move forward with where the Lord has called me and what He is calling me to, there are memories I need to let go of and ways I need to move on. Its terrifying but incredibly refreshing.
Thank you to those who read my thoughts. I am deeply thankful for you. Words have such value to me and seeing that you took time to read mine, is an immense honor. I hope you will be keeping up with my new blog in the not too distant future. This blog will still exist, but it will just remian inactive and a place for reflection as I move forward.
I am not perfect. I never will be. I am not my endeavors. I am not my past. But I am not alone.
I am happy.
I am blessed.
I am fulfilled
And I am still finding out how beautiful this life is.
I am new, I am redeemed, I am a human. And I am very okay with who I am.
I am His; undeservingly yet gratefully His.
Here’s to my new adventure!